My Season

It is my season to regain what I have lost. It's a promise from God to me. "I will restore and replace for you the years that the locusts have eaten away. I will give you back what you lost." Joel 2:25 (Amp/NLT). Although I feel emotionally drained a lot of the time, the devil will not take a foothold on that which is mine at such a time as this. This is MY time, MY season, and MY harvest! Praise God that I will bountifully reap what I have sown for Heavenly purposes! I come with full expectation for the Lord to already interceded on my behalf to speak Truth to everyone I come in contact with, and for me to come in authority of the Spirit to reclaim my portion and my blessings. In the name of Jesus, I denounce any evil presence that would try to distract me or make me lose my focus and rob me of my joy. The presence of the Lord IS there already, and I pray with a sense of urgency and expectancy for the process to righteously uphold the integrity of the Kingdom! Can you feel it in the atmosphere? There's a wind blowing, and it's time for my season to begin!

Spinning

How am I supposed to keep everything in balance right now? Everybody and everything wants and needs my attention, but most of all, I just want to focus on myself and the work I need to do with Jesus. It seems like I don’t have that time, though, and my body is feeling the pull. How am I supposed to do life, my job, the trial, my ministry, David’s stuff, my family, friends, and ME all at the same time? And to me, all of them are important and what I want to do. But I can’t. There isn’t enough energy in my body to devote 100% to all of this. I feel run down, depleted, tired, alone, and defeated. Yet I haven’t even begun! I have to put my faith in God that He will deliver me through all of this. He has to, because I can’t on my own. Alva said it best today when she said to me, “God is going to work in a big way and show Himself to you and other people through this trial, and this will be the closure that you’re looking for regarding the accident.” I never thought of the trial as being closure for me. I’m not really sure what to expect or what to think, feel, or do. I feel a little out of control. Almost like I’m spinning and don’t know when or where to stop. I sit here with my back hurting, my legs in shooting pain, a slight headache, and the feeling of exhaustion. Yet my kitchen is still a mess, I need to take a shower, and my clothes are still sitting in the dryer from two days ago. I have yet to go to the gym, my bed is still unmade from this morning, the papers lay on the couch where I left them last night, and clothes from several loads ago sit folded on the chair and have yet to be put away.

I really, really need prayer for peace. I need prayer to not be anxious, not be worried, and not be stressed out. Pray for the release of control, pray for strength and energy, and pray for a clear mind.

Unsettled

My spirit is becoming more and more restless as the day gets closer, and I find myself beginning to retreat to myself rather than leaning on friends and family as I probably should. But honestly, there's no one here, and the time change between me and the people I care about is frustrating. There's so many days that I find myself saying out loud "I wish I could walk" or "I want to trade in this body" or "God, I'm done with this now." The burning sting in my eyes of tears beginning to well up is unfortunately too familiar these days. I miss being in the presence of someone who understands without me having to retell the "story." I want someone here who will just let me cry about it and not make me "think positively." I want someone to love me without reserve, without preconceived notions, and without fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Part of me wants to just "check out" of life for a little bit, but another keeps telling me to "stay strong"... whatever that means. There's an uneasy, unsettling feeling within my soul, and I want life to even out. So much for wishful thinking, because there's no end in sight yet. In fact, it's only just beginning. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling pain. And I'm tired of trying.

When can my happiness begin?

Katrina - One Year Later

Hurricane's aren't oftentimes personal to me. I don't live near the coast to the point where I'd be affected by the rain or damage. However a year ago, my life became affected in a very personal way. My best friend Gini Young and her family lost all they had due to Hurricane Katrina's devestating blow.

Gini had just had a baby, not even 2 months old. They escaped (thank GOD!), but only brought enough to be possibly displaced for three or four days. Hurricane Katrina had another timeline. Amidst all that happened, Gini, Jason, Mercy, and Gini's family really were lucky not to lose their lives. Materials can be replaced, but people can not. I am SO THANKFUL to my Lord and Saviour for being their protector that day in August, 2005.

To this day, it still saddens me that Gini and Jason have to struggle so much due to the Hurricane. Gini has always been a thrifty person, but it saddens me now that she has to pinch and save everything they make. Shortly after the hurricane hit, I sent as much as I could to them to help them out. Being that I had just moved myself, I couldn't do much, but I felt such a strong desire to care for them. They fleeted to Alabama and lived on the floor an empty house on a single mattress.... she, Jason, and the baby. No clothes, no basic necessities, no money.

Gini was there for me during MY valley in life, so it was only natural that I would extend the shoulder and hand to her during HER time. I love her so much and care for her a great deal, so when she hurts, I hurt.

One year later, they have truly been blessed. They live in a beautiful townhouse, have all that they need (although maybe not all they want), yet still don't complain. They realize that family, love, and life are among the blessings they still have! Although realizing that not everything is "wonderful" all the time, Gini and Jason still provide for their family and care for their beautiful daughter. I wish I could take the pain away. I wish I could give them more. But through this, Gini and Jason are learning patience (which is never easy!) as well as learning to rely on their Father for abundant blessings in HIS timing.

One year later..... I still remember.

Six Years Ago... This Saturday

Saturday will be.... six years. Wow. How can life change in a matter of seconds? How can your life go from seeing things at a higher view and the next view you're sitting?

This time of year is always very reflective for me. Mixed with feelings of sadness, bitterness, and mourning... but also realizing that I wouldn't have had the opportunities I have now had this not happened to me. Mourning what I had, what I want, and what I know it could be like. I want my old life back, and sometimes these days are harder than I portray.

But I AM a strong woman... one who can endure MUCH PAIN and STILL hold her head up high. I don't need anyone to do it for me. I don't need your sympathy, but I do want your understanding. To realize that not everything is as it seems. To realize that I AM a woman with a heart, with emotions, with a mind. What I speak of doesn't stop me, doesn't get in my way, and doesn't make me "incomplete." I can almost gaurantee you that I know more about life and the value of living than most women here on earth. I know what matters. Just because I can't kick a soccer ball with you doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun. Just because you'll never see me stand in front of you in a short skirt and high heels doesn't mean I'm not alluring in my own way. And just because I can't dance with you in your arms doesn't mean I don't have joy in my heart. Life is more. Life has more for those who want it. MY life matters to me, and MY life matters to my Lord. Those are the only two people I have to answer to in the end. And I know my end almost came.... six years ago on Saturday.

Don't say you're not ready, because you never know when your readiness might not even matter. I was here today, I could be gone tomorrow. Just as it happened... six years ago this Saturday. It didn't matter what I wanted at the time. It wasn't my choice. It wasn't my decision. But it's what happened, and so I move on.

That long desert road eventually led me to where I am now. And the journey isn't over. I still have a lot to accomplish, a lot to learn, a lot to experience. Whether you join me on this journey doesn't particularily matter to me, although it does make the scenery a little more interesting. But, I can do it on my own, just as I have these past six years.

What lies ahead? Only time will tell. I just hope your watch is ticking a little faster than mine so I can see the outcome sooner. Because I shouldn't be here right now... had it gone another way... six years ago... this Saturday.

Come and Listen

(Inspired by a David Crowder song called "Come and Listen" Originally heard the song through my best friend's blog, Gini Young.)

My God, you are an awesome God. You say that if we are thirsty to come to the water’s edge and drink, for You alone are that which we long for and the only thing that can satisfy that need in our life. You are that refreshing drink. You are my everlasting strength, and the reason I can make it through each day. You are the reason I laugh, the reason I smile, the reason I can proudly say I am a child of God…. Your daughter. Although I may search in many places for that peace, for that love, for that completeness, I know that I am truly not complete without You. No man here on earth will ever satisfy me the way You can. No man here on earth will ever love me as much as You do. God, how I need to be reminded of that daily. I need more of you.

Come.
Listen.
See.
Taste.

Great is our God for He is good. There are numerous people in the Bible who have fought bigger battles than I face. Yet you have done so much for me in my time of need, in my lonliness, in my tears. Why do I doubt, though, that You’ll help me? Why do I fear You’ll forget about me when I’m in my desert? In 1 Kings 19, Elijah was up against a huge army of people and ran to the desert out of fear and hid. Some days I feel like that. Out of my own strength, I am weak, powerless, and fearful. Yet just as Elijah cried out to you, I likewise cry for strength, for belief, and for hope. Hope in a greater thing than any human here on earth can provide. I’ve learned that things here on earth are fleeting. They come and they go. Almost as the tide goes in and out of the ocean. Yet You, Lord Jesus, are the water, quenching any thirst that I may ever have . Your love is like the ocean in that you can see the beginning, but you can’t see where it ends…because it’s un-ending. Thank you for loving me as far as the east is to the west, for believing in me when no one else has, and for blessing me with things unimaginable. And just as you sent an angel to touch Elijah, I pray that you would send an angel to touch me. Heal me, Lord.

I Never Would Have ___ Had I ____.

Have you ever traced your steps backwards to see how you got to where you are now? I was doing that earlier today with a girlfriend of mine as we talked about things going on in our life. I was telling her about a good guy friend of mine back in Atlanta who I actually met online. She asked how we met, so I began tracing the steps backwards for her. It made me realize that had I not had certain things happen to me, he and I would probably never have met. We would have continued to be in each other's backyard (both of us living in Atlanta at the time), but our paths more than likely would have never crossed. He and I have briefly talked about it as well. Had certain things in his life not had happened, he would have never met me. Isn't it interesting to see that everything happens for a reason? Naturally, this all has been orchestraed by God Himself. He knew how he wanted things to work out, but in the midst of it all... when nothing seems like it's going right... things all the sudden begin to get a bit clearer. Suddenly without even realizing it, you're in the middle of His plan. It's a very comforting feeling to look back and realize the God does have everything under control. I never would have met this friend in my hometown had I not moved to California.

I never would have learned how to laugh without restraint had I not cried a thousand tears.

I never would have had the opportunity to live in California had someone not believed in me.

I never would have appreciated life to its fullest had I not almost lost in a matter of seconds.

I never would have blessings abundantly had I not recognized where my blessings came from.

and finally....

I never would have found Jesus had I not realized my need for Him in all things.

Fill in the blank... I never would have ____ had I ____.

Wilderness

I need to get away. I want to escape into a place where there are no distractions, no interuptions, and no time restraints. I want to go to a place where there is no electricity, no communication with the outside world, and no reality. That means no cell phones, no internet, no television. No hurt, pain, sickness. No need for anything other than my Maker. I need a wilderness of my very own, where I can cry out loud, where I can hear my thoughts, and where I can feel God.

I long to get away from the business of Orange County. I oftentimes forget how fast-paced it is out here. I go from one place to the next with a sense of urgency and feel the hours go by me as I feel like nothing has gotten accomplished. I find that I try to convince myself that I "need" the next best cell phone, the new expensive luxury car, and the house that costs more money. Paying $1,650 a month for rent for 1000 sq. ft. seems like nothing now, yet my bank account says otherwise.

I want to lay in the middle of a grassy field with mountains all around me as I breathe in fresh air, feel it brush over my face, and then feel the sunlight warm my body. I want to hear the birds chirp with delight, lay on my stomach and watch an army of ants build their home, and count the stars at night... wishing later on a shooting star as it bursts through the sky. I want to reawaken my senses and become more in tune with hearing what I need rather than what I want. Sometimes I find myself driving on the highway and imaging myself not turning onto the exit I need to, but rather driving straight ahead...on and on and on until I run out of gas and am stuck in the middle of nowhere. I want to be alone with myself. I want to clear my mind of all this junk so I can hear God more clearly. Can I just be alone for a minute? Can I just get away from "life" and allow myself to live?

(This picture was taken in one of my favorite places... Yosemite National Park.)

"Pick You Up and Hold Your Hand"

It's been awhile since I've had a "real" date, but tonight I had one. The "pick you up - hold your hand" type of date! It was exactly what it should have been.

Typically when I go out with a guy, I'll meet him at the bar/restaurant so that I have some control over the situation... especially when it comes to my privacy and safety about where I live. But tonight was different. I've known this guy for a couple months. He sings in the choir with me at church, and about two weeks ago I found myself noticing him more and becoming a little smitten. I went to Disneyland last Saturday and invited him on a whim, not thinking he'd actually agree to come! Well, it all started there at Disneyland... the happiest place on earth! By the end of the night, he was holding my hand.... and as cheesy as it sounds, on the "It's A Small World" ride, he had his arm around me and pulled me in closer to him. We exchanged numbers as he said goodbye and about 30 min. later he texted me saying we should do something again sometime. Of course I was smiling....

I saw him the next day at church and again at Tuesday night rehearsal. Wednesday, he asked if he could take me out tonight! I offered to meet him somewhere since he lives on the beach and I'm a little more inland, but he wanted to pick me up. Something inside me trusted him to allow him into my "domain."

He was early, which was fine, because I was ready (surprise, I know!). Picked me up in his Lexus (uh, HELLO!) and took me to the restaurant. I typically am not a "dinner and a movie" type girl, because I really think that seeing a movie on a first date is kinda pointless since you're really not talking to the person or getting to know them in any way. But this was nice. We laughed and talked for a good hour and a half or so at dinner and then walked down to the movie theatre.

We went to see "X-Men" and although I didn't have a clue as to what was going on, it was a good movie. (I hadn't seen any of the other X-Men movies nor had read the comics.) Before the movie begins, you know there's always previews. Well, since 6-6-06 is coming up this Tuesday, all of the previews were of scary movies. Call me a girl, but I was jumping and hiding my eyes at the previews! LOL! He reached over and pulled me into him closer. Aaaww! Later through the actual movie, he reached over and pulled my hand into his and interlocked his fingers with mine. And there they stayed for the rest of the movie as his other hand covered the top of mine.

* As a side note - stay until the very, very end of the movie.... after the credits... because there's a brief part that they show that will have to do with the next X-Men movie.

He drove me back to my place and offered to walk me to my door. I hadn't picked up my place prior, otherwise I would have invited him in, so he politely hugged me goodbye and that's how it ended. Naturally, I was nervous about if he was gonna try to kiss me or not, and it was more than appropriate for us to end it the way we did. As I sit here typing this out, I wonder in my head if I would have kissed him had he tried. Probably. But I'm not sure. Hmm.... anyway, it leaves him wanting more!

So for the first time in a long time, I was courted by someone who was actually interested in being a gentleman. Time will tell if his actions will match his words. That's typically the problem I have with men these days. They talk a big game, but they can't match it with their actions. Actions are huge to me, because it gives me a glimpse into your character. It shows me whether you hold true to your word, whether your dependable, honest, caring, and respectable. With most men, I've learned to enjoy it for the moment, because you never know when the moment is going to end. Sad but true. Some moments I'm glad have ended, but others I wish wouldn't.

Anyway, here's to another "first date"!! (I'm so tired of first dates by the way! They are all so predictable!)

a REAL date

It doesn't matter how many dates a girl goes on, I believe she still gets nervous for each "first" as if it's the first. At least I do! I have a "first date" tomorrow night!!!!!

I'm really excited about this guy. He called me tonight and we talked for a bit on the phone. About 15 minutes into the conversation, he asked me if he could take me to dinner and a movie on Friday night! Whoo-hoo! I was jazzed! Here I am a 27 year old female feeling the same excitement I did when I was 16. I'm going through the "what am I gonna wear" and "I wonder if we'll hold hands" and of course "will he kiss me" stage! Ah! I love it, though! Can you feel the excitement?

It's going to be my first "real date" in a long time. Like to the point that he's coming to pick me up! So sweet! I'm wanting this one to be different. He sings in the choir with me, and we've "known" about each other for about 3 months now... when he joined. Why is it when you date someone IN the church that things seem to be more awkward than dating someone OUTSIDE the church? Not necessarily someone who doesn't go to church, but someone that doesn't go to your church, per say. I think we're both trying to feel each other out as to what extent our Christianity lies... meaning how do we balance the world pressures and the Christian walk. Hopefully tomorrow there won't be a lull in the conversation and things will go well.

He's picking me up at 6:30pm, which means I'll be starting to get ready around 3pm! LOL! No, I'm just kidding. I'm late to EVERYTHING though, so I want to make a good first impression. I'll probably go out and look for a cute top to wear and then will come back and go through all the questions in my head of "what should I wear - jeans or pants? should I do my hair straight or curly? etc..." I suppose I should lay out at the pool for a little bit to get some fresh color on me! Gosh, I'm gonna have to wake up early tomorrow in order to get everything done!!

I'll update you sometime this weekend!

Hard To Forget

Why is it so hard to forget you? It's been a week since we last talked when normally we talk every day. I'm trying to forget about you, but it's hard. I see things that remind me of you all the time, and my mind is trying to move on. I miss you so much, but I can't tell you that right now. I want to be with you, but I can't do that either. I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to move past you, but that comfortable feeling I have with you is hard to give up. The only thing I know to do is to pray for you.

I pray. I cry. I forget. I remember again. And then I pray. The routine is repetitive, sometimes dreary and long. This week I had to come to terms with the fact that I was losing sight of myself, so I had to bring myself back into check. I was so concerned about you that I forgot about me. God is the only one who is going to change your heart, so it's best that I leave it up to Him. There's nothing else I can do. So I pray. I cry. And I pray again.

God, you know how much my heart hurts to have this ache inside me. You know how much I love people. How trusting I am. How open and sincere I am. I don't hold things back, and it's hard for me to be distant. Yet when I am real about who I am without the use of "games", it seems as if I get hurt. I'm tired of getting hurt. Again I pray. I pray for wisdom and guidance, kind words with meaning, gentle yet firm. Let me be true to you first, me second, and everyone else third.

Giving You the reins in any situation is so hard for me. It's not that I don't trust You, but it's that I can't see beyond right now. I also know what to pray for, but I don't want to out of fear of it actually coming true. I don't want this person taken away from me, yet I know that if it is not blessed by You, it won't be blessed at all. So again I pray. And of course I'll cry. But this time, help me to know You hear me.

Experiences, Adventures, and Journey's

Within one's lifetime, he hopes to see the great wonders of the world and experience everything he can to the deepest level of satisfaction and fulfillment while at the same time not forgetting where he came from. Learning from each experience and gaining wisdom in the process.

I've had the privilege to experience some GREAT things in life. I have travelled to the poorest of poor countries in Central America and helped villages at the base of a volcano rebuild after a mudslide. Where there is no communication to the outside world, no grocery stores, no need for cars. I have eaten Nicaraguan food in the heat of summer and tasted the sensual sweetness of mangoes from a tree as the juice runs down my chin. I've watched the sunset on the beaches, I've sang praises to our Heavenly Father in an orphanage, and I've heard the laughter of a child who seems to have nothing to be happy about.

I've hiked to the top of the fifth tallest waterfall in the world. I've slept out underneath the stars on countless nights. I've been face to face with a black bear out in the wilderness, and I've dove off cliffs into pools of water below. I've danced around the fire and clapped my hands to the beat of a drum and experienced not only the rhythm of the music but the rhythm within myself. I've led numerous people to Christ and have even baptized my friend.

I've been around sex, drugs, and violence. I know what it's like to see a friend snort crystal meth in her nose and shoot heroin in her arm. I know what it's like to help a friend wake up from passing out. I know what it's like to have a friend in jail - where there's glass between your hands. I've seen men abuse women, and women abuse men. I know what it's like to be poor, but I also know what it's like to have everything you need. I've been scared, lonely, and afraid. I've been hurt, confused, and angry.

I've ran a race not to win, but to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment it brings. I've felt the sweat pour down my face and back , and experienced my legs become numb from running so hard. I've smiled until my face hurt and laughed until my sides brought pain. I've held the hand of a friend who was hurting and wiped the tears away from her face. I've taught a five year old how to tie their shoes and an eleven year old how to play the violin. But I've also told a six year old that it's not ok for daddy to hit him and a nine year old that it will never happen again.

I've experienced deep, deep pain, and I've experienced great, great joy. Yet through all of these experiences, adventures, and journey's, I have yet to find someone who is willing to share this happiness and sorrow with me. Sometimes the journey would be more enjoyable if I had someone to reach the destination with. That is the one wonder I hope to find, experience, and learn from.