Hard To Forget

Why is it so hard to forget you? It's been a week since we last talked when normally we talk every day. I'm trying to forget about you, but it's hard. I see things that remind me of you all the time, and my mind is trying to move on. I miss you so much, but I can't tell you that right now. I want to be with you, but I can't do that either. I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to move past you, but that comfortable feeling I have with you is hard to give up. The only thing I know to do is to pray for you.

I pray. I cry. I forget. I remember again. And then I pray. The routine is repetitive, sometimes dreary and long. This week I had to come to terms with the fact that I was losing sight of myself, so I had to bring myself back into check. I was so concerned about you that I forgot about me. God is the only one who is going to change your heart, so it's best that I leave it up to Him. There's nothing else I can do. So I pray. I cry. And I pray again.

God, you know how much my heart hurts to have this ache inside me. You know how much I love people. How trusting I am. How open and sincere I am. I don't hold things back, and it's hard for me to be distant. Yet when I am real about who I am without the use of "games", it seems as if I get hurt. I'm tired of getting hurt. Again I pray. I pray for wisdom and guidance, kind words with meaning, gentle yet firm. Let me be true to you first, me second, and everyone else third.

Giving You the reins in any situation is so hard for me. It's not that I don't trust You, but it's that I can't see beyond right now. I also know what to pray for, but I don't want to out of fear of it actually coming true. I don't want this person taken away from me, yet I know that if it is not blessed by You, it won't be blessed at all. So again I pray. And of course I'll cry. But this time, help me to know You hear me.

Experiences, Adventures, and Journey's

Within one's lifetime, he hopes to see the great wonders of the world and experience everything he can to the deepest level of satisfaction and fulfillment while at the same time not forgetting where he came from. Learning from each experience and gaining wisdom in the process.

I've had the privilege to experience some GREAT things in life. I have travelled to the poorest of poor countries in Central America and helped villages at the base of a volcano rebuild after a mudslide. Where there is no communication to the outside world, no grocery stores, no need for cars. I have eaten Nicaraguan food in the heat of summer and tasted the sensual sweetness of mangoes from a tree as the juice runs down my chin. I've watched the sunset on the beaches, I've sang praises to our Heavenly Father in an orphanage, and I've heard the laughter of a child who seems to have nothing to be happy about.

I've hiked to the top of the fifth tallest waterfall in the world. I've slept out underneath the stars on countless nights. I've been face to face with a black bear out in the wilderness, and I've dove off cliffs into pools of water below. I've danced around the fire and clapped my hands to the beat of a drum and experienced not only the rhythm of the music but the rhythm within myself. I've led numerous people to Christ and have even baptized my friend.

I've been around sex, drugs, and violence. I know what it's like to see a friend snort crystal meth in her nose and shoot heroin in her arm. I know what it's like to help a friend wake up from passing out. I know what it's like to have a friend in jail - where there's glass between your hands. I've seen men abuse women, and women abuse men. I know what it's like to be poor, but I also know what it's like to have everything you need. I've been scared, lonely, and afraid. I've been hurt, confused, and angry.

I've ran a race not to win, but to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment it brings. I've felt the sweat pour down my face and back , and experienced my legs become numb from running so hard. I've smiled until my face hurt and laughed until my sides brought pain. I've held the hand of a friend who was hurting and wiped the tears away from her face. I've taught a five year old how to tie their shoes and an eleven year old how to play the violin. But I've also told a six year old that it's not ok for daddy to hit him and a nine year old that it will never happen again.

I've experienced deep, deep pain, and I've experienced great, great joy. Yet through all of these experiences, adventures, and journey's, I have yet to find someone who is willing to share this happiness and sorrow with me. Sometimes the journey would be more enjoyable if I had someone to reach the destination with. That is the one wonder I hope to find, experience, and learn from.