Spinning

How am I supposed to keep everything in balance right now? Everybody and everything wants and needs my attention, but most of all, I just want to focus on myself and the work I need to do with Jesus. It seems like I don’t have that time, though, and my body is feeling the pull. How am I supposed to do life, my job, the trial, my ministry, David’s stuff, my family, friends, and ME all at the same time? And to me, all of them are important and what I want to do. But I can’t. There isn’t enough energy in my body to devote 100% to all of this. I feel run down, depleted, tired, alone, and defeated. Yet I haven’t even begun! I have to put my faith in God that He will deliver me through all of this. He has to, because I can’t on my own. Alva said it best today when she said to me, “God is going to work in a big way and show Himself to you and other people through this trial, and this will be the closure that you’re looking for regarding the accident.” I never thought of the trial as being closure for me. I’m not really sure what to expect or what to think, feel, or do. I feel a little out of control. Almost like I’m spinning and don’t know when or where to stop. I sit here with my back hurting, my legs in shooting pain, a slight headache, and the feeling of exhaustion. Yet my kitchen is still a mess, I need to take a shower, and my clothes are still sitting in the dryer from two days ago. I have yet to go to the gym, my bed is still unmade from this morning, the papers lay on the couch where I left them last night, and clothes from several loads ago sit folded on the chair and have yet to be put away.

I really, really need prayer for peace. I need prayer to not be anxious, not be worried, and not be stressed out. Pray for the release of control, pray for strength and energy, and pray for a clear mind.

Unsettled

My spirit is becoming more and more restless as the day gets closer, and I find myself beginning to retreat to myself rather than leaning on friends and family as I probably should. But honestly, there's no one here, and the time change between me and the people I care about is frustrating. There's so many days that I find myself saying out loud "I wish I could walk" or "I want to trade in this body" or "God, I'm done with this now." The burning sting in my eyes of tears beginning to well up is unfortunately too familiar these days. I miss being in the presence of someone who understands without me having to retell the "story." I want someone here who will just let me cry about it and not make me "think positively." I want someone to love me without reserve, without preconceived notions, and without fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Part of me wants to just "check out" of life for a little bit, but another keeps telling me to "stay strong"... whatever that means. There's an uneasy, unsettling feeling within my soul, and I want life to even out. So much for wishful thinking, because there's no end in sight yet. In fact, it's only just beginning. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling pain. And I'm tired of trying.

When can my happiness begin?