Unsettled

My spirit is becoming more and more restless as the day gets closer, and I find myself beginning to retreat to myself rather than leaning on friends and family as I probably should. But honestly, there's no one here, and the time change between me and the people I care about is frustrating. There's so many days that I find myself saying out loud "I wish I could walk" or "I want to trade in this body" or "God, I'm done with this now." The burning sting in my eyes of tears beginning to well up is unfortunately too familiar these days. I miss being in the presence of someone who understands without me having to retell the "story." I want someone here who will just let me cry about it and not make me "think positively." I want someone to love me without reserve, without preconceived notions, and without fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Part of me wants to just "check out" of life for a little bit, but another keeps telling me to "stay strong"... whatever that means. There's an uneasy, unsettling feeling within my soul, and I want life to even out. So much for wishful thinking, because there's no end in sight yet. In fact, it's only just beginning. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling pain. And I'm tired of trying.

When can my happiness begin?