The Cleanest Place On Earth.... NOT!

I was at Sports Chalet the other day and decided to head right next door to Wal-Mart when I was done. I shouldn't ever venture into Wal-Mart and expect to venture out with nothing in my hands... or in a timely manner. There's always something I find that I forgot to buy on the last trip to the store and there's never enough workers at the checkout lines. This time was no different. I needed trashbags and also picked up a carton of orange juice.

I made my way to the front of the store to checkout and tried to scope out the shortest of the long lines. LOL. I was looking around the store and was wondering "Why are all Wal-Mart's nasty and dirty?" There was grime on the floor where the tile met the counter. There was trash in the corners and at random places along the way. I even noticed that the silver on the shopping carts was dull and dirty. While I was waiting, my mind began to wander.

I imagined what it would be like if I walked into a Wal-Mart that was clean, enticing, and attractive. Where the clothing racks were attractively displayed, and the products they sold (even though they're cheap) were the "it" thing to buy! It would be the Nordstrom of all Wal-Mart's! The checkout lines would go so fast, the workers would always be smiling their "Stepford Wives" smile, and the tile on the floor was shiny and bright. It would be THE Wal-Mart to shop at, and people would drive for miles to come shop there!

My fantasy got abruptly cut short when the checkout lady began scanning my items and grunted a sad and tired "uh huh" after I said "Hello." I grabbed my wallet to get out my credit card. After I slid it through the credit card machine-thing, ironically I was asked a question on the screen that I had never seen before on a credit card machine. It asked, "Was the store clean today?" I smiled to myself and proudly pushed, "No."

Turn The Page!

Oftentimes in life, unexpected things happen. When those times occur, we find ourselves either wanting to move forward with the unexpected because it seems to hold a promising future, or, we want to regress back to what we know because the unexpected is scary or hurtful and it's more comfortable to stay in the place where we are familiar with the surroundings.

I've had many good experiences in life, and when it's good, I tend to want to stay in that moment and in that feeling. Even when things are bad, I allow my mind to wander back to "how it used to be." That's not always a good thing, though. People who continue to live in the past never have a chance to move on with their life. Yes, they are physically growing older and continue to have new experiences, however the new experiences are often clouded with the old memories.

On my way to work this morning, I was faced with a decision that has to made by 5pm today. It's in regards to my car accident almost 7 years ago that left me paralyzed. For many years, I found myself living in my "old self"... wanting so bad to go back to "how it used to be" and what was comfortable. I essentially sabatoged myself and my present living with hopes that one day it would be what I remember. The further I got away from the date of my accident, the harder I tried to hold on to what I knew. I tried to reconcile with my girlfriend whom I was in the accident with, however she wanted nothing to do with reconcilliation (I wanted to remain friends, but she was hung up on a lot of guilt, and in her mind, it was easier to not be around me). For six years, I tried to keep our friendship the way I remembered it to be in college but to no avail. Just a few months ago, I allowed myself to release her from my life. It won't ever be the same as I remember, and it's an unfair expectation for me to think it would be. I decided it was best to cherish the memories I have with her and move on with my life. It wasn't easy, but I honestly feel like a big burden was lifted off of my chest. I no longer have to hope I'm saying the right thing to her or try to make sure she's ok. She didn't care anyway, so I was pouring a lot of time and energy into an empty shell.

So this morning as I was driving to work, I found out that I am being faced with the task of making a huge life decison by this afternoon in regards to another aspect of my accident that could essentially effect my future. Tears welled up in my eyes and eventually spilled down my cheeks. They weren't tears of joy, but rather of difficulty, pain, saddness, and confusion. For about four months now, I knew this decision was coming up, but now the deadline is here, and I'm not sure I'm ready to "turn the page." See, for almost seven years, I've been reading the same page over and over and trying to re-live my past life before the accident. I have had such a tight grip on it all, and slowly I feel myself losing control of the situation. As desperately as I try to move on, it's hard. It's really hard, in fact, to let it all go and essentially be "ok" with the cards dealt to me. I mean, I am ok with my life and am incredibly grateful for what I have left. But there's one part that's been dragging on regarding my accident, and that's the decision I'm having to make today. I have to decide what to do. In my heart, I think it's time to move on. I feel God telling me, "Turn the page, Alyson. I have a whole new chapter in life I want you to read and experience, but you have to turn the page in order to find out what it is. Loosen the grip you have on it and allow it to fall through your fingers and into My hands. I've got you. I won't let you fall." I'm faced again with the uncertainty of tomorrow, but I think I'm ready to put an end to that chapter, to stop reading the old chapter, and to experience an abundant growth in myself. It takes a huge amount of faith to do what I might do. And it's not humanly easy. But for me, I want to see what's next. I've been waiting for what's next, however I've not given myself the authority to move on. I think it's time to walk full force into the next phase and trust that God will provide for me the entire time has He's promised. He's a God of protection, provision, and prosperity, and maybe the season I've been waiting so long for has actually been there all along. It was just up to me to recognize what it was. It might not be the outcome I was hoping for or wanting, but in the end, it might just be the best decision afterall.

Here's to the (possible) new chapter! I just gotta turn the page....

Easter Reflection

I've been so reflective this Easter. I imagine it's because of all the stuff that this past year has brought me through. There's been so many times I've wanted to just throw in the towel and give up, yet despite my iniquities and inadequacy, Jesus STILL is there for me each and every time. When life seemed bleak, when my eyes were swollen with tears, and the pain in my heart seemed unbearable, Jesus Christ was the only one to walk me through it and help me see that life will be ok.

When I think about His Last Supper with His best friends the disciples, I'm reminded that just as He provided comfort and security to them, preparing a table for them and making sure that each one felt loved before He left, Jesus makes sure that *I* am loved and comforted, preparing a banquet table for *me* in Heaven.

As He went to pray in the garden of Gethsemane, He was communicating to the Father how much He loved *me* and how desperately He wanted to be in line with the will of God the Father. He was then arrested, graciously accepting humility and pain for me. He hung there on the cross, and for a brief moment was seperated from that everlasting love that His Father provided so that He could take on ALL OF MY SINS... before He even knew me.... 2007 years ago. I am literally brought to tears (as Stephanie knows!) at the thought of such a wonderful Savior. Thank GOD for our Risen Savior and that we serve a God... a JESUS... that cares so much about me individually to die an undeserving death on the cross. I am not perfect. I mess up all the time and even do the wrong thing when I know what the right thing is to do. But I'm here to say that JESUS is the ONE TRUE GOD who hears my weak voice among the crowd, and just like a sheep who's lost his way, the Shepherd ALWAYS finds his sheep. Jesus ALWAYS finds me and brings be back close to Him. Not Mohammed, not Allah, not Budda, not nature... but JESUS is the one who has provided me with comfort when I felt scared, direction when I was lost, healing when I was sick, and miracles upon miracles to prove He is alive and well in my life. If you don't know the Jesus I'm talking about, ask me about Him, because everything I've mentioned that He's done for me, He'll do for you, too. It's a promise. I've endured so much in my life, and I'm so, so, so thankful this year for another day to be alive with the security of knowing that when I die, I will be with my Jesus forever in eternity. And the best thing is that all I had to do was ask Him! He's promised to never leave me or forsake me (and Lord knows people here on earth leave and forsake us all the time!). I am blessed.... truly, truly blessed to be alive with Jesus now in my heart and life because of His death on the cross and ascension into Heaven.

I hope you all had a wonderful and blessed Easter! May you all personally experience the unending love that Jesus Christ gives freely to everyone!