My Vote Is In!

Today, I mailed in my vote for the 2008 Presidential Election. I don't particulary feel that either candidate is a great representation for Presidency of the United States, however it is very important for me to at least have a choice. I look forward to the day when each vote truly does count rather than choosing a winner by electoral votes.

Wishing for the Simple Life

Lately, I've wondered why life has become so complicated. I feel a little "off" with everyone. Either I'm not communicating very clearly or people are really that ignorant. I'm not sure which it is yet. Is it really true that the older you get, the harder it is? I'm feeling the push towards feeling "older" the closer I get to turning 30. Granted, I know I'm not old, but life and life decisions are becoming harder each day.

As a codependent, I wonder still how not to worry about other people and their decisions, especially when it will eventually effect me. I've tried to not get involved, but in the end, I feel like I'm going to be the one who's left high and dry. I'm so used to manipulating situations, saying what people want to hear, and smiling a fake "everything's ok" smile while I put them first, that when I lay all that aside for a moment, I feel like the world goes out of sync. At the same time, when I begin to speak my mind and set my boundaries, people think I'm mean and not willing to be a team player. Puh-lease.

I still miss Robert so much. I know he misses me. He texts me how much he loves me and that he just wants to hear my voice again. Well, why'd you want to take a break, then? Don't tell me you've worked out things between you and your child's mother in a week and a half. It's hard, though, because there are so many things I want to include him on and share with him. I can't tell you the amount of times I've picked up the phone all excited to tell him something, and then have to put it back down again with a sigh. I wrote him an email today and told him if I go back to him, it's all or nothing. Either we're getting married or we're not. It's either "us" or it's "just me by myself." I've been spending a lot of time reading about step-parenting and also from a book called "His Needs, Her Needs." Very good book if you're interested in learning what top five things your partner needs in a relationship. The only bad thing is that if both people don't read it, it's only beneficial to the other person, not you.

Can I just rant for a moment? Just because you're fat doesn't mean you're handicap. I went to Weight Watchers today (lost another 3 pounds this week!!), but when I got there, someone else was already in the handicap parking space. Thankfully, there was a regular spot open right next to the slashed lines on the opposite side of the handicap spot, so I could easily get my wheelchair out of the car. As I was putting the wheels on the frame, out walks from the bank a fat lady and heads towards the red SUV that's parked in the handicap spot next to me. I was so frustrated, and I let her know it by the expression on my face. I'm sorry, but FAT doesn't mean HANDICAP! Granted, you may have some conglomerate assortment of medical problems that medically "deemed" you handicap, but the reason you have those medical problems is because you're FAT! Lose the weight people! It's something you can DO and CHANGE about yourself. Unfortunately, I can't CHANGE the fact that I'm paralyzed! If you can CHANGE the problem, you're NOT HANDICAP!

Days like right now wish I was back on the Merced River, laying on a rock, looking up at the sky and realizing that life was so simple. Oh, to be 20 years old again.

Challenge to be Rejected...

Today, I feel about how this flower looks. Deflated. Some days, I wonder where tears come from and why they never seem to dry up... even after crying for hours. My eyes are swollen, yet I'm still expected to smile here at work and act like nothing's wrong. Well, there is something wrong, darn it!

My church is in the middle of a "40 Days of Love" series where we learn different aspects of Love. This week, we were challenged to "Love in Truth," meaning to speak the truth to people, in love of course, even if it's something they may not necessarily want to hear. With this, we have to be willing to accept rejection, too, because people may not be willing to hear what we have to say. We were challenged to try confronting someone in a loving way (after checking our motives and making sure they godly), starting with affirming them, then stating what the problem is, and following through with encouragement. I took the challenge. And.... I got rejected.... in a bad way. My boyfriend left me.....

He says it's so that he can work on the problem without me. He says it's not fair to me to keep dragging me through the issue. He says he promises it will be different this time, and that he wants to make me the priority but that he has to get this other issue under control, and it will take time. Why does he have to do this without me? I'm so saddened. I don't really want to talk about it with people, because I don't want to have to tell people the story or even say that we're not together as of last night. How does someone spend a year and half with someone go from that to nothing? He was the first person I shared my joys and sorrows with during the day. He was who I leaned to for advice, for comfort, and for support. He is my best friend, and I feel like I'm all alone in this world now without him. What I want to do is crawl in my bed and not leave for about a week or so. I want to turn all the phones off, all the distractions off, and sleep it all away. I want to wake up and see that it was all a bad dream. This wasn't at all how it was supposed to turn out. Why, God, do you challenge us to do something and when we obey, it turns out bad?? My hopes of getting engaged and being married to my best friend have all been stripped away. I now somehow am expected to start over or somehow wait for him to figure it all out. I'm in a quandry of what to do. It hurts to keep my eyes open. My heart is so flat right now.

I know deep down this has to be the last time that I allow him to go in and out of my life. Sticking to that belief is another issue. How do you keep someone who is your best friend away from you? How do you not dial his number? How do you stop your mind from thinking about him? How do you stop loving someone??

It's going to be a long week.