Challenge to be Rejected...

Today, I feel about how this flower looks. Deflated. Some days, I wonder where tears come from and why they never seem to dry up... even after crying for hours. My eyes are swollen, yet I'm still expected to smile here at work and act like nothing's wrong. Well, there is something wrong, darn it!

My church is in the middle of a "40 Days of Love" series where we learn different aspects of Love. This week, we were challenged to "Love in Truth," meaning to speak the truth to people, in love of course, even if it's something they may not necessarily want to hear. With this, we have to be willing to accept rejection, too, because people may not be willing to hear what we have to say. We were challenged to try confronting someone in a loving way (after checking our motives and making sure they godly), starting with affirming them, then stating what the problem is, and following through with encouragement. I took the challenge. And.... I got rejected.... in a bad way. My boyfriend left me.....

He says it's so that he can work on the problem without me. He says it's not fair to me to keep dragging me through the issue. He says he promises it will be different this time, and that he wants to make me the priority but that he has to get this other issue under control, and it will take time. Why does he have to do this without me? I'm so saddened. I don't really want to talk about it with people, because I don't want to have to tell people the story or even say that we're not together as of last night. How does someone spend a year and half with someone go from that to nothing? He was the first person I shared my joys and sorrows with during the day. He was who I leaned to for advice, for comfort, and for support. He is my best friend, and I feel like I'm all alone in this world now without him. What I want to do is crawl in my bed and not leave for about a week or so. I want to turn all the phones off, all the distractions off, and sleep it all away. I want to wake up and see that it was all a bad dream. This wasn't at all how it was supposed to turn out. Why, God, do you challenge us to do something and when we obey, it turns out bad?? My hopes of getting engaged and being married to my best friend have all been stripped away. I now somehow am expected to start over or somehow wait for him to figure it all out. I'm in a quandry of what to do. It hurts to keep my eyes open. My heart is so flat right now.

I know deep down this has to be the last time that I allow him to go in and out of my life. Sticking to that belief is another issue. How do you keep someone who is your best friend away from you? How do you not dial his number? How do you stop your mind from thinking about him? How do you stop loving someone??

It's going to be a long week.