Wishing for the Simple Life

Lately, I've wondered why life has become so complicated. I feel a little "off" with everyone. Either I'm not communicating very clearly or people are really that ignorant. I'm not sure which it is yet. Is it really true that the older you get, the harder it is? I'm feeling the push towards feeling "older" the closer I get to turning 30. Granted, I know I'm not old, but life and life decisions are becoming harder each day.

As a codependent, I wonder still how not to worry about other people and their decisions, especially when it will eventually effect me. I've tried to not get involved, but in the end, I feel like I'm going to be the one who's left high and dry. I'm so used to manipulating situations, saying what people want to hear, and smiling a fake "everything's ok" smile while I put them first, that when I lay all that aside for a moment, I feel like the world goes out of sync. At the same time, when I begin to speak my mind and set my boundaries, people think I'm mean and not willing to be a team player. Puh-lease.

I still miss Robert so much. I know he misses me. He texts me how much he loves me and that he just wants to hear my voice again. Well, why'd you want to take a break, then? Don't tell me you've worked out things between you and your child's mother in a week and a half. It's hard, though, because there are so many things I want to include him on and share with him. I can't tell you the amount of times I've picked up the phone all excited to tell him something, and then have to put it back down again with a sigh. I wrote him an email today and told him if I go back to him, it's all or nothing. Either we're getting married or we're not. It's either "us" or it's "just me by myself." I've been spending a lot of time reading about step-parenting and also from a book called "His Needs, Her Needs." Very good book if you're interested in learning what top five things your partner needs in a relationship. The only bad thing is that if both people don't read it, it's only beneficial to the other person, not you.

Can I just rant for a moment? Just because you're fat doesn't mean you're handicap. I went to Weight Watchers today (lost another 3 pounds this week!!), but when I got there, someone else was already in the handicap parking space. Thankfully, there was a regular spot open right next to the slashed lines on the opposite side of the handicap spot, so I could easily get my wheelchair out of the car. As I was putting the wheels on the frame, out walks from the bank a fat lady and heads towards the red SUV that's parked in the handicap spot next to me. I was so frustrated, and I let her know it by the expression on my face. I'm sorry, but FAT doesn't mean HANDICAP! Granted, you may have some conglomerate assortment of medical problems that medically "deemed" you handicap, but the reason you have those medical problems is because you're FAT! Lose the weight people! It's something you can DO and CHANGE about yourself. Unfortunately, I can't CHANGE the fact that I'm paralyzed! If you can CHANGE the problem, you're NOT HANDICAP!

Days like right now wish I was back on the Merced River, laying on a rock, looking up at the sky and realizing that life was so simple. Oh, to be 20 years old again.