Well, I Did It....

After much thinking and overcoming (hopefully) my fear of being alone, I am now single again. I ended my almost two year relationship last night with Robert. I feel good about the decision, but I must admit that there is a loneliness in my heart. I already miss his voice, his smell, and his strong arms around me. But, it's for the better. He has many things that he needs to work on in his life and get situated before bringing a woman into the picture. I sincerely hope that we remain friends (after all, that's basically what we've been for the last few months in my eyes). He's a great guy, but he's not ready for what it takes to be in a relationship. And, I don't know that he'll ever be. It wasn't fair for me to keep the door closed to other potential men in my life while he's trying to figure things out. I'm ok with going through the valley's with someone, but not when they are stagnant. I can't do stagnant. I finally got tired of looking at other married couples and longing for that type of love, even though I was in a relationship. I want better. I deserve better. Maybe down the road, Robert will be what God needs Him to be. But right now, I'm a distraction and in the meantime, I'm frustrated. I hope that he listens to where God is needing him to be right now and follows His will for his life.

So, I'm moving forward. Somehow. I'm secure in my relationship with Jesus and know that He is all I need right now. I really am ok. I'm a strong woman and have lots of great things ahead of me, and I know that God has it all worked out. So, why worry? LOL!

Please keep me in your prayers, though. Although I've prepared my heart for this moment over the past few months, it still is a little bit sad. Also, pray for Robert. I know he's confused and hurt, too. I pray that we both end up exactly where God wants us... whether that means we're together or apart. I wish all the best for him.

I'm back on the market!!!

Atlanta Bound!

This year has flown by! I can't believe it's already almost April!! These are the effects of getting older, I think. I'm creeping toward the big 3-0! In fact, this year it's my "Golden Birthday"! A golden birthday is when you turn the same age as the day you were born. My birthday is on April 30th, so my 30th birthday is my "Golden Birthday." It only happens once, and some people miss it because it was when they were younger. What a great day it will be to celebrate my crossing over into a new decade as well as celebrating my golden birthday all at the same time! Wow!

I'll be in Atlanta April 18 - 28, however I'll be in a work conference for most of it. I would love to meet up with you if I have the chance. I'm also heading to SC to see my best friend and her family for a quick overnight trip and then to the North GA mountains to spend time with my family at our cabin. I'd love to somehow have a birthday celebration with my GA people! Best time would probably be Sunday evening the 26th. Anyone want to plan it? :)

Love you all, and be sure to check out my website for fun updates on my life! I'll be posting the most recent news in a few days!

Are You Happy?

During the times I am most happiest, I find the following to be true. Perhaps I need to take note and start doing some of these things so that it boosts my level of happiness! I'm better now than I was during my last post. I'll blame it on PMS. :)

1.) Happy people have also happy friends.
2.) They know how to stand their ground and speak for themselves when they feel or think they are not treated properly.
3.) They live with integrity; they're honest and sincere with others and with themselves and they live their values.
4.) They often listen to music.
5.) They really are thankful for what they have. They recognize their blessings that come their way and constantly show appreciation and gratitude.
6.) They receive and likewise share lots of love, compassion and affection.
7.) Mostly happy people sleep better.
8.) They eat well and also focus on feeding their body with high quality food.
9.) They're patient with people and things around them.
10.) They're excited-they always have something to look forward to everyday and welcome the new and exciting adventures that life has in store for them.
11.) They simply want the best not just for them but also for people around them.
12.) They have a regular exercise or workout regimen.
13.) They are naturally optimistic--they try to practice the fine art of altering negative circumstance to put a positive twist in them.
14.) They know how to live their passion. They know their purpose on this earth and at this time they know their true calling.
15.) They readily forgive themselves and do not severely beat up on themselves for unavoidable mistakes.
16.) They consistently try to learn new things and are open to fresh and new ideas.
17.) They fully understand the significance of self care and well being and make sure that they constantly work toward strengthening their mental health and fitness.
18.) They understand the power of praying because they are spiritual. They believe that through constant prayer, all things are possible and attainable.

So the question is.... "Are You Happy?"

Missing Home

I am really, really missing home today. That stinging, burning feeling keeps pushing at the forefront of my eyes, warning me that tears are about to fall. I think if I blink really fast, it will hold the water from spilling over.

So much going on in my life that I wish I were around my family right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of diving into that black hole of depression. I hate this feeling. I know it well. I'm trying to stay busy, stay empowered, stay strong, but today isn't that type of day. Today, I'd be ok with just staying in my bed, even though it's 88 degrees outside and blue skies and sunshine. I don't feel as happy as the day looks.

This "about to be 30 years old" feeling sucks, too. So many things I would have thought I would have done or been by this point. Mainly, I dreamed of being married with a child by this point. It saddens me deep inside when I hear of another friend or co-worker getting married or expecting a child. Why can't that be me? When will that be me? My rebelious and hateful spirit wants to once again blame Jennifer for causing all of these setbacks in my life. And God, too.

And it's snowing in Georgia today. I wish I was there to experience it all. I hate when fun things happen without me, and it seems as if everyone is thoroughly enjoying this snowfall without me.

The stinging in my eyes won't subside. I need to find a distraction. I miss home.

I Heart Sunsets

Sunsets have to be one of my most favorite indulgences in life. Tonight, God treated me to a rather amazing one! This was taken while in Laguna Beach tonight looking out over the ocean. I wish you could see more of it, but from where I was taking the picture, you only get a small glimpse. The sky was magnified with blues, purples, reds, oranges, and yellows as the sun melted into the ocean like warm butter on a hot piece of bread. It was simply breathtaking! And the best part? I get to see views like this every day!

One of those days

My struggle with insurance companies will forever be a never-ending battle now that I have this disability. Today was "one of those days." First, my insurance is horrible. There are different tiers of coverage depending if you meet that monetary deductible. I've worked all year to finally get to the point of receiving 90% coverage. The sad part is that in January, it all starts over and I go back down to 0% coverage. Well, here's where the battle begins.

I am in need of a new wheelchair. My current wheelchair is falling apart, and quite blatantly, I hate it. I would not recommend it to anyone. In September, I flew back to Atlanta and my favorite people at Shepherd Center evaluate me for a new wheelchair and write up a prescription. They found a local vendor in Georgia who said they were listed as a provider and were going to get my wheelchair for me. Well, they took their sweet time submitting the Pre-Authorization to insurance, and after a month and a half of wasting my time, it turns out they are not a provider under my insurance. That now leaves me with trying to find a local vendor here in California to fill this order. The problem with that is that vendor's here want to do their own evaluation, have to submit their own Pre-Auth to my insurance company, and then they can place the order. Well, there are only 6 weeks left in the year before my insurance goes back to 0% coverage. This means, they have to scramble to try to get everything set to go for it to get back here in 6 weeks. Bottom line? It's not going to happen. This means, I'm forced to pay about $10,000 for a wheelchair.... out of pocket. This is money I obviously don't have, but it's a medical device I have to have.

What do insurance companies think people with disabilities are supposed to do??? We need these medical devices, however they cost a fortune to purchase! I'm so frustrated and feel so helpless. Even people in the medical industry don't really seem to be on my side. These days, it's all about the money. I guess I'll just crawl to work since the wheelchair I use might not get me there. I swear. America might be becoming a third world country after all if I have to start crawling to work.

Kentucky Pie

I was on a baking frenzy this weekend. I love to bake. It produces a satisfying (and fairly quick) feeling of accomplishment in me. The problem is, it doesn't help my waist line any. This weekend, I made banana pudding and two Kentucky Pies. I had originally planned on only making one pie, but halfway through putting all the ingredients into the bowl, I realized the recipe was for two pies rather than one. LOL! For those of you who don't know what a Kentucky Pie is, it's a cross between a brownie and a pecan pie. It's so good for those of you who have a sweet tooth, and it's so incredibly easy to make! I brought one pie over to Robert's mom's house, and kept the other one. I'll probably only have a piece or two here at my house (in order to save my waistline) and then bring the rest to work. Anyway, the pie turned out really, really good! Even Robert liked it and had two huge pieces! I thought I'd pass the recipe on to all of you in case you're in a baking mood like me.

Kentucky Pie (makes 1 pie, 10 minutes prep time)

2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup of sugar
6 oz. semisweet chocolate chips, melted (I used milk chocolate chips)
1/2 cup self-rising flour
1/2 cup butter (1 stick), melted
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup chopped pecans (I used slightly less)
1 9 inch unbaked pie shell
Ice Cream, optional

Preheat oven 350 degrees. Combine eggs, sugar, and melted chocolate in large bowl. Add flour and mix well. Stir in remaining ingredients. Bake 30 - 40 minutes or until toothpick inserted in middle comes out bready and not doughy. Serve warm with ice cream. Freezes well. Enjoy!